Does God SEE me?

I am writing this to you before the New Year hits, and I was reflecting with myself what the final thing I’d want to say to myself before the year is over. There are a lot of takeaways from this year, but there's one that sticks out the most is this: you are seen by a God who wants good for your life. And yet, I'd be lying if I said I never questioned that statement. There were times and hardships this year, some of my own making, where I wondered if God saw what I was feeling. I wondered if He knew how to get me out. I wondered if He cared enough to help.

The picture above was a testament that He does. It showcases one of the best moments of the year... walking this suspension bridge at the peak of Whistler mountain with my daughter. Just a few months earlier, I didn't think this trip was even possible. You see, my husband and I are church planters and we just hit seven years with our church. It was a huge deal. But the road to seven was really long, and I won't lie, very discouraging at times. Our denomination is kind enough to give senior leaders 6 weeks of sabbatical every 5 years, however, the time was never right and the finances weren't either. By the time 7 years hit, we were both depleted and desperately needed a rest. Church planting is no joke. So we finally planned to take it. But even still, the timing felt impossible.

I was convinced that it was going to be too tight financially. Our church has been slowly lowering my salary for the last few years, and I thought I'd have to get another job before we'd reach the finish line. Just two months prior, I was convinced that the rest I desperately needed was going to be ripped out from underneath me. And why? Because I had it in my mind that God didn't see all the worries I was holding. I had it in my mind that God didn't know the insurmountable things that would have to fall into place for me to be able to take this rest. I had preemptively decided that God was going to let me down.

It wasn't a problem with God, or with His faithfulness, it was a problem with my faithlessness.

I'm embarrassed to say there were days when the doubts were louder than the truth, and I found myself desperately trying not to spiral into negativity. I thought to myself "I'm a pastor... I shouldn't still be dealing with this. Why is it so hard to believe that God sees what I'm going through and will be faithful to see me out of it?" If I'm honest, there were just as many miracles as there were hurdles! So why couldn't I seem to focus on that?

Well, yours and my enemy is desperate. His game is up soon, and he is working overtime to try and get us to take our focus off the miraculous God we serve. If he can just distract us long enough with an onslaught of mind games and tests, maybe he'll get us to slow down or give-up. But the truth is, every negative thought, every difficult situation, every impossibility... is a chance to either live out our faith or live by fear. Each situation presented me with the opportunity to choose a life of possibility or choose despair. But here's the thing: despair is always the heavier choice. There is no benefit found in believing for the worst.

The safest bet is always putting our hope in the God who DOES see us, who DOES want to walk alongside us and lead us and guide us. With each choice to trust, it gets more and more second nature. The best way to start a habit of trusting God is to fill ourselves with the truth, and remind ourselves of it daily. These particular passages have been speaking to me lately:

Psalm 139:7-12 (The Voice):

"Can I go anywhere apart from Your Spirit?
Is there anywhere I can go to escape Your watchful presence?
8 If I go up into heaven, You are there.
If I make my bed in the realm of the dead, You are there.
9 If I ride on the wings of morning,
if I make my home in the most isolated part of the ocean,
10 Even then You will be there to guide me;
Your right hand will embrace me, for You are always there.
11 Even if I am afraid and think to myself, “There is no doubt that the darkness will swallow me,
the light around me will soon be turned to night,”
12 You can see in the dark, for it is not dark to Your eyes.
For You the night is just as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are the same to Your eyes."

Psalm 23 is even sweeter:

¹ The Eternal is my shepherd, He cares for me always.
² He provides me rest in rich, green fields
    beside streams of refreshing water.
    He soothes my fears;
³ He makes me whole again,
    steering me off worn, hard paths
    to roads where truth and righteousness echo His name.

⁴ Even in the unending shadows of death’s darkness,
    I am not overcome by fear.
Because You are with me in those dark moments,
    near with Your protection and guidance,
    I am comforted.

⁵ You spread out a table before me,
    provisions in the midst of attack from my enemies;
You care for all my needs, anointing my head with soothing, fragrant oil,
    filling my cup again and again with Your grace.
⁶ Certainly Your faithful protection and loving provision will pursue me
    where I go, always, everywhere.
I will always be with the Eternal,
    in Your house forever.

BUT here's the thing... He won’t live that life for you, and he can't make you follow His lead.  And one of the ways He leads is through others. You were not designed to walk your faith alone. We need other people to encourage us when we can't encourage ourselves. The enemy doesn't just distract with negative thoughts, sometimes he even uses busy-ness to keep us from making meaningful connections. It's SO easy to float through life at times, caring for everyone around us, working hard in our roles in homes, workplaces and church, scrolling online... that we never really receive from God or others.

Over the years I have heard so many people say that they feel “unseen” by other people or that their hard work goes unnoticed. Yet, when I ask them if they’ve taken the steps to BE known, the answer is “no.” How can anyone see or know us if we never take steps of faith to be known? So often the enemy will lie to us and tell us that our loneliness is because God or others do not care about us; but the truth is often that we have isolated ourselves, hoping someone else would notice our little whirlwind, rescue us and give us the life and the support we want. The truth is, we cannot see and know God or others if we don’t intentionally take the time to insert ourselves into the places we really need to be. To ask for the help we need. Whether that be spiritually, career wise, or simply every day relationships.

The question for me is not does God or anyone else see you, it's do YOU see you? And are you willing to do the necessary work to get to a place you can feel proud of? To have a healthy mind? To be in community with people who can help? To go after your own dreams?

As a person who is overcoming the fatalistic mindset, this is one of the most important life lessons I can share with you. Life is not going to make itself great- you must participate. As Steven Furtick often says, "you are responsible for your joy." No one will hand it to you on a silver platter. The great good news is that God is with you and promises to be with you and guide you to the places and people that are right for you; but you always must choose to take the steps and to trust God is with you. Miraculous friendships, community and opportunities are waiting on the other side. So what are you waiting for? God’s already with you, I pray you choose bravery and to seize life and all it has for you.

Happy New Year, XOXO

Natalie